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It's been a whole year :(

She has been gone a year tonight.  One year ago I rushed her to the emergency veterinary clinic but it was too late.  Her battle with diabetes among other unknowns (kidney, liver disorders) was just too much.  In the weeks preceeding her seizure, I knew I was losing her.  Her spirit was gone, she didn't jump up on my chair to cuddle.  I didn't know our time was to come to an end, but when it did, I knew.  I knew it was time to let her go. 

I held her and told her I loved her.  I held her as she slipped away.  I still have her ashes.  She was an indoor kitty, and so she shall remain.

I still miss her.  So much!  I miss her little "brrrrrup!" noises, her contented grunts, her purrs in my ear.  I miss her soft fur and the funny, scrunched up face she made when I tickled her chin.  I miss how she persistently demanded treats.   I miss her gentle spirit and kind face.  I miss her rough kisses and wiffing in my ear.  I miss her early morning yowls. 

I miss her wise and calm influence.  She knew what was important; a good meal, a bed to call your own and someone special to cuddle with. 

I miss you little one.  Very much.

One Month After...

Shadow has been gone a month.  There isn't a day that I don't think about her.  I miss her.  My life just isn't the same without her.

Shadow is home

Shadow's ashes came home yesterday. As I walked up to our front door with the urn in my arms, I thought of how she used to scramble excitedly in her carrier as I approached the door. She always knew she was home. She'd wiff and sniff and poke her paws thru the carrier door as if to say "Hurry up Mom! Open the door! Lemme out!"

She's come home one last and final time.

I miss you little one :( 

My kitty died in my arms tonight

I held her to the end as she took her last breath.  I stroked her and kissed her and told her I loved her and it was ok to go.  She is 16, diabetic, had kidney problems, thyroid problems, hematuria that they had not been able to determine from what.  She seizured again, possibly from low blood sugar, but did not revive after I adminstered corn syrup.  She was too far gone. 

They let me hold her for a long time and gave me clippings of her fur.  She will be cremated with the flannel jammies I wrapped her up in to rush her to the Veterinary Emergency.  I talked to her the whole way there.  I hope she knows I never gave up on her.  I hope she knows she touched the very core of my heart and soul.  She will always be remembered and cherished and loved.  She was always there for me. 

She's gone.  My best friend.  My first baby.  My constant companion for 16 years.  The soul of my home and heart of our house.  I will long for her meow-meows in the morning.  I'll never forget her sweet purr or how daintily she asked for yogurt. 

I have no idea how I will do without her. 

Goodbye Snickers.